What is good Communication?
We often hear about communication being the most important thing in any relationship but… how do we know it is good?
From my experience, communication is good if the conversation is fluid, sincere and respectful. When it flows, all parties involved in the conversation are focused and there is no interrupting. What often happens is that we want to react to what others are saying and we tend to cut them off in the middle of their unfinished idea. Sometimes we even try to be “polite” and wait for the other to finish talking but whilst they finish, we are no longer listening. We are holding that thought that made us react and we are just waiting to jump in the conversation the moment we no longer hear the other person’s voice, see their mouth or hands moving. One thing is to hear, as is the case of the sound of the voice and it happens with no real awareness, another is to listen for which intention is needed. With the latter we really pay attention to every word being said, we care about their thought process and with an open mind we try to understand and follow their train of thought until the end. We need to listen with the intention to understand not to react to things being said. Most of us interrupt because we don’t want to forget “the thought” that made us react, but by doing so, we interrupt the fluidity of the conversation. And who knows, maybe the answer to your thought was coming at the end and you did not wait to hear it. If the thought that made you react is too important, it is very likely you will not forget it, but you will for sure miss the flow of the fully expressed idea because you were too eager to share your thought. We tend to jump to conclusions too soon. They say we have two ears and only one mouth because we need to listen twice as much as we talk.
Another important thing is allowing the other person to have a chance to respond and be listened to in the same manner. We need to care for the other person and what they have to say just the same way as we want others to care about us and what we have to say. Communication can only work if all parties involved get a chance to talk while others make a conscious effort to pay attention and really listen. Along the lines of caring comes the part of being sincere and respectful. Whenever we want to truly communicate with another, it is important they feel that whatever we say is sincere. No judgements, disrespectful tones or words should be a part of the conversation. It is important that we are calm and that we speak from the heart, always remembering we are all humans, and we all deserve respect. It never goes well whenever we try to have a conversation with anyone in the heat of a situation. Often the wrong things are said that creates tension or heightened feelings which consequently thwarts communication. Defenses go up because we feel a need to protect ourselves which is mostly our ego or insecurities resurfacing. Attacking remarks or a sarcastic tone of voice normally follows. Any conversation under these circumstances should be avoided or at least allow time to cool off before continuing the conversation so real communication can happen.
It is important that we only focus on facts or express how things make us feel rather than assuming what the other meant to say and responding accordingly. Putting words in their mouths that were never said or assuming intentions that were never there creates discontent. We only understand intentions from our small frame of reference based solely on our experiences. What we interpret might not necessarily be what or how the other person intended. We need to ask them if what we heard or what we think they said is really what they meant to say before we make unnecessary assumptions based on our limited interpretation. As expected, this gets even more complicated among different cultures. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to ask and not just assume we know what the other meant. Always give others the benefit of the doubt before you let your guard up and get ready for battle. In any case, we also need to learn to pick our battles!
And finally, needles to say but important to remember is respect throughout the conversation. This comes down to what we already talked about before regarding tones of voice, poor choice of words or attacking remarks used in the conversation. We want to talk in the same manner we want others to talk to us. If we want respect, we need to earn it by being respectful ourselves. If we allow our egos and insecurities to take over, we already lost the chance to communicate.
Comments